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2002-06-08 - 11:17 a.m.

There’s a lot of well-known euphemisms-- less offensive ways we have of saying more unpleasant or offensive things.

Most of us have, at one time or another, used these sayings. We have asked to “be excused” when we needed to use the restroom, and while there we’re “doing our business.” Instead of saying “I puked,” “blew chunks” or “calling for Huey” are sometimes used. “Having carnal knowledge” of some Bubba is self-explanatory, and does anyone not understand the meaning behind “Eff off”? A “lady of the night” works in a “house of ill repute,” and some of those women are “well endowed.” Naturally, the Johns visiting the “lady of the night” for a little “hankie pankie” would like to think they are “well hung.”

Those euphemisms are universal. What are less universal are the ways Missouri Hillbillies have come up with covering offensive things.

For instance, although we may not be the most politically correct of folks, we do know it isn’t nice to tell someone outright they are ugly. So we dress it up a little. Your ears are so big you look like a taxi with the doors open. Your eyes look like rat droppings in a snowbank. She looks like she’s been chewed up, spit out and stepped on. She looks like a professional blind date.

And we’re not so rude as to tell someone they have a big mouth. Instead, we might say: Stop beating your gums to death. Or, She talks 140 words a minute, with gusts of up to 180. Or, His tongue is plumb frolicsome. Or, There he goes with that chin music again.

Though sometimes called stupid Missouri Hillbillies, we’re not so dumb we don’t recognize true stupidity. And we’re not a bit shy about telling folks they have a hole in their screen door. Other ways we describe stupid are: If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a flea; He carries his brains in his back pocket; All asses do not go on four feet. She has the I.Q. of a watermelon; He couldn’t find his rear end if it was on fire.

She’s loose as a goose is but one way we refer to a “lady of the night.” She could also be: Trashy poor and no ‘count, lookin for a little poontang or wilder n a peach orchard boar.

Bumpkins though we are, we know it’s not polite to mention age, so we try to cover our insults with things like: He’s just climbing up fool’s hill; He’s not dry behind the ears; You look like a million...every year of it; She’s been around longer than dirt.

The Missouri Hillbilly is proud of being practical, so we have little time for anything useless.

Its useless to ask him to behave like a human being. He don’t do imitations.

He needs that like a fish needs a bicycle.

It’s not worth the spit to wet a postage stamp.

He’s as useless as a tit on a boar hog.

Nor do we call anyone cheap, but we do let them know we think they’re tight:

He’s so tight he squeaks when he walks.

If he had the flu, he wouldn’t give you a sneeze.

He’s tighter n a gnat’s ass.

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