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2002-09-09 - 1:31 p.m.

I haven't had a bath in months.

I don't have anything against bathing (and obviously I don't embrace the "cleanliness is next to Godliness" belief), I just haven't been in the bathtub in a long time. Like most Americans, I have as many bathtubs in my home as I have television sets. Also, like most Americans, my television sets are used much more frequently than my bathtubs are used. Maybe I should donate my bathtubs to Sheila Klein and let her design some more pyramids. This lady actually has a sculpture of sinks, tubs and shower stalls with cascading fountains outside Miami Beach's Bass Museum of Art. Some homage to the act of bathing, huh!

Although Ben Franklin is said to have imported the first bathtub to America sometime in the 18th century, a fellow by the name of Adam Thompson is credited with commissioning the first American made tub in 1842. I guess before then many folks in this country were a lot like me. They didn't take baths! A lot of splishing and splashing had been going on in public Turkish baths for years, but the dwellers of this fine new world opted to keep their toiletries private and didn't slip into communal water holes.

And from the sounds of things, my ancestors were not only missing out on cleanliness, they were also missing out on a whole lotta hoopla going on in those Mediterranean baths. The baths were reported to cure everything from gout to liver failure and kidney infection to mental illness. In this country, however, doctors predicted Thompson's newfangled water tub would cause rheumatism and inflammation of the lungs. The powers in Philadelphia actually published a ban on the novel bathing invention from November 1 to March 1.

My aversion to bathing has nothing to do with fear of any illness. Bathing in water I'm sitting in just doesn't make sense to me. In my way of thinking, showering is a more sanitary way of bathing. And I don't think I'm alone in this opinion, most Americans would rather take a shower than take a bath. This method of daily cleaning, however, probably has very little to do with washing in water we're sitting in, and has much more to do with our desire to put a head of speed on everything in our lives!

A bath has become a way to relax-it's not something you do before work in the morning. And it's become romanticized by movies and television. Aromatic candles provide sensuous illumination, and luxuriant, perfumed bubbles just barely cover…well, you've seen those flicks. I'm up early, but even five a.m. doesn't allow me time to dawdle about in rejuvenating lavender or jasmine suds. Never mind attempting to complete my morning ritual by candlelight, even with a fully lighted bathroom I still stumble and trip into the shower most mornings.

Waterfalls were most likely the first stand-up baths. Then came a vigorous soaping and bucket of water-the cold variety-to rinse the residue away. But there were some mighty fancy early showers, too. Still are today. No longer utilitarian, but lavish and expensive marble stalls. Multiple heads and body sprays. Vertical whirlpools!

Besides being a more hygienic method of bathing, showers actually are more cost effective than a bath in the tub. Well, they are if you limit your stay to about five minutes. A typical bathtub requires about 30 gallons of water for a bath. The standard shower head flows at about 3 gallons per minute, requiring half the amount of water as a tub bath.

And just when I think the shower is unsullied, out comes the news of some mysterious TB-like bug called NTM turning up in shower stalls and hot tubs. At least in July of this year it was making news in Florida. Symptoms similar to pneumonia, cancer and tuberculosis could be caused by stepping into a shower stall! Some doctors believe mycobacteria from pipes are becoming aerosolized in the water spray, and the more enclosed a shower, the greater the buildup of germ-infested spray.

So, now I can't take a shower either?

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