2004 Entries
2003 Entries
2002 Entries

2002-11-16 - 10:43 a.m.

Friday was another Laurel and Hardy day for diva and me.

Try as we do--and we really sometimes do try--we seem to always get our keisters tangled in a fine mess. We had started the day early and with honorable intentions. Oh, how quickly our intentions can go on the rocks! We had a mission and we wanted it completed before the official start of the work day. Thirty percent of the kids in our alternative program had made the first quarter honor roll--probably for the first time in their lives--and we weren't going to let it go by unnoticed. We were going to celebrate the kids on a bulletin board just outside my office. diva has a great artistic talent and a wonderful ability with ideas for these boards. I'm the hired hand for menial labor. We were in our roles yesterday morning, and I wasn't working up to diva's expectations and was receiving a tongue-lashing. A very explicit (obscene) summary of my mediocrity and stupidity at cutting and pasting.

We were so engrossed in our chore and our loud and profane exchange we didn't realize the boss lady had also come in early. She stepped into my office--a shambles of paper scraps, discarded digital photos and Hardee's breakfast wrappers--and asked what we were doing.

"Working," I answered, my demeanor quickly reformed to that of dutiful--and mature--employee.

"Oh." A suspicious look, an exasperated eye roll, and she warily backed out of the office, but she wasn't out of earshot; we heard her laugh when diva barked, "You DUMBSHIT, you've still got the picture on there CROOKED!" at me.

The afternoon was devoted to staff Professional Development activities, and diva and I received an apprehensive glance from Terri, the boss lady, as we flounced into the room and parked ourselves in the back row. Over the last few months, Terri has learned this is a harbinger of trouble. Laurel and Hardy were responsible for one part of the day's activities, and before we took the stage, Terri gave me one of her increasingly more frequent "Oh please, you two behave" looks.

And, except for my introduction of diva, busy scurrying around the room distributing handouts, as my assistant Vanna, we did. Until we got into the second half of our meeting.

School climate is an issue, and we're devoting a lot of time to strategies for dealing with the threat of a shooter or bomber coming into our buildings. Neither diva nor I take the situation lightly, we're in the thick of it and know it's more than a possibility, it's a reality waiting for a time. But we're of the opinion it's not what's in the kids' backpacks that'll kill us, it's what's in their hearts. We need to spend time working that angle instead of learning to be SWAT members. I won't hesitate to lead the kids to safety, but I am not joining the ranks of a gungho bomb squad and attempting to search for and dismantle a bomb. Nor will I try to disarm anyone. Period.

Anyway, the session, this time dealing with bombs, was moving along when the question came up--again. "What are we going to do?" I muttered: "It's a feets don't fail me now situation," and the guy seated on the other side of diva--also an incorrigible smartass--answered, "Bend over, put our heads between our legs and kiss our asses good-bye!"

And that's all it took! diva and I couldn't shut off the laughter. And it was contagious, Terri, trying hard not to laugh, watched as, one by one, everyone in the back row started laughing. Even though diva and I weren't totally to blame for the situation, we did nothing to help out, either. Then one self-righteous staffer decided it was his job to reprimand us. Wrong thing to do. Terri stared at him (no doubt questioning his sanity in taking us on), and diva and I looked at one another and damned if we didn't start laughing again.

Terri eventually got control of her meeting, and the discussion moved on to ways of announcing an armed intruder if front office personnel were being held hostage and unable to use the intercom or emergency air horns located there. Out of the corner of my eye I saw diva slump to the table top, watched as her shoulders began to shake with the buildup of laughter and knew we were headed for trouble again.

"Pigeons?"

Oh, gawd, she didn't say that!

We both sat with hands clamped over our mouths, but we couldn't stop the laughter from squeaking out. And, once again, the back row fell like dominoes. diva and I were eventually given dunce hats and assigned opposite corners of the room! After the meeting, as diva and I pranced our undisciplined butts down the hall, Terri said to us: "There's no damned wonder the two of you work so well with those kids. You're just LIKE them!"

Well, yeah!

Previous -- Next