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2002-11-19 - 5:33 a.m.

Nobody tells it like it is anymore.

It isn’t politically correct to tell it like it is. So, to maintain our correctness and to show we’re not savage clods, we invent new ways of saying things. Prissy, ridiculous and tiresome new ways of saying things in a less expressive or direct way. A whole new language of weasel words and phrases has evolved--thanks to a task force (committee)--to keep us from being distasteful and offensive. Or to allow us to deceive or obscure what it is we’re really saying.

We no longer get fired, we get downsized. People in government no longer lie, they are being economical with the truth. A drug addict is a thing of the past, but not because of any effective prevention programs established. No, we just refer to them as drug use specialists, and they are a part of the user population. Those nonbelievers among us are unchurched. When I was a kid I played on monkey bars, today’s kids play on pipe frame exercise units. Where once we had Howdy Doody And The Peanut Gallery, today young people are members of nontraditional organized crime.

Sex? Forget it. Instead, you can spend your time gaining carnal knowledge. Oh, what the hell, try it, you might learn something. No mate? A variety of marital aids are available for the consenting shopper.

If you find yourself in reduced circumstances (broke!) you can always live in a makeshift home (cardboard box). Rarely, however, do these makeshift homes come with a facility so you can be excused to do your business, nor is private dining (room service) available.

Personal Ads, whether in the print media or on The Net, are brimming with obscurity. Code words are required of the genre. The man or woman who gives educated as an attribute is saying he or she will always treat you like an idiot. Also, beware of candidates who describe themselves as fun-loving. What they want is for you to entertain them.

Some people say they are disease free, so you know they’re current on their mumps vaccinations; others enjoy moonlit nights. It’s not because of romance, however, it’s because they can’t pay their electric bills. The woman who claims to be beautiful spends too much time in front of the mirror, and the man who claims to enjoy life’s pleasures is an overindulged, spoiled brat. Beware of the “Friendship First” claim. It comes with this qualifier: As long as friendship involves nudity! And any male saying he is 40ish is really 52 and looking for a 25-year-old!

Missouri Hillbillies are not without a politically correct language. We are not, after all, savage clods. We don’t intend to offend, and we pride ourselves on being tasteful. When--in mixed company--we’re talking about a woman’s private body part, we tastefully call it either a cooter or a chrisy or, if we’re with close friends--a whussy woo. Some women possess two big ole bazookas! And, rather than discuss how well endowed some male might be, we politely exclaim: “Whoa! That’s one fine piece!”

It’s rude to tell another person they’re ugly. We know that. So, to conceal the truth, we might ask: You have to slap them feet to make em go to bed with ya?. Or: Your reflection must throw up when you look in a mirror. We would never come right out and say you look like you’ve been whupped on with an ugly stick, but we might ask you, “Beauty is skin deep, but oogly goes clean to the bone, don’t it?”

Our mama’s didn’t raise us to talk about the financial well being of others. But we get around that teaching with things like: He turns handsprings for hot dogs, or he ain’t got what it takes to buy hay for a nightmare. When it’s our own lack of financial well being we’re talking about we always wish we’d been born rich instead of so good looking!

It sure would be easier if we could just tell it like it is.

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