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2003-09-01 - 8:21 a.m.

Worthless Inventions

I had my radio blaring during an early morning trip into town to return a video--mostly to keep me awake, but also to hear the news. After the lead news story last week of the giant, jumping carp that injured two boaters, I was anxious to hear the latest local and world reports.

This morning the duo on my favorite oldies station was discussing a new invention soon to be available to an easy to fleece public: carbonated milk. Effervescent moo juice? Sparkling skim milk? It seems a school nurse has become increasingly distraught over kiddies who only want to drink cola, so she and her entrepreneur husband have formulated milk with bubbles. I used to be one of those kids who would stick a straw in my little school milk carton and blow bubbles into the liquid until it foamed out and streamed over my desk, but today the idea of inventing fizzy milk strikes me as odd. Maybe even useless.

Still, can carbonated milk be any stranger than a harness for your cooler? You’ve seen the guy on the television Invent Tech ad hyping the benefits of hauling your cooler on your back. I stay up nights debating the pros and cons of transforming my beer cooler into a backpack. I’m also going to spend money on a 100 percent goose down tee-shirt and armpit scented deodorant.

Crazy stuff. But run a check of patents and you’ll find a long list of crazy stuff.

• camouflage billboards

• dog flap for the fridge—Blue would love this!

• screen doors for airplanes—now there’s a breezy ride!

• dog ear protector

Emma would love this; no more dinner gravy on her ears.

• solar powered flash light—I could’ve used one of these yesterday when the power failed.

• waterproof teabags

• black highlighter pen

• downhill Stairmaster—and for the serious exercise fanatic—-a remote-controlled exercise bike.

• electric kazoo—this has to my Christmas gift to SueSue!

• fat-free Twinkies

• superglue Post-It notes

• training wheels for timid sports car drivers.

Okay, so maybe bubbling milk isn’t so bizarre after all.

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