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2003-09-25 - 6:58 a.m.

Proverbs On Wheels

Fender philosophy is not completely dead!

I was following a car last night—a big, boxy, American boat of a thing, washed out yellow paint and rust, and except for some scraps of fabric flapping in the wind, its vinyl top history. The car, body and fender, was plastered with bumper stickers. It was a crazy-quilt of stickers advertising Jesus. My Boss Is a Jewish Carpenter. God Is My Co-Pilot. Real Men Love Jesus. Onward Christian Soldier. Give God What’s Right—Not What’s Left. Jesus At Work. Don’t Be God’s Weakest Link. Countless one-liners. In addition to proclaiming the driver’s fanatic belief, the driver was probably praying the adhesive strips would hold the heap together.

I grew up in the heyday of bumper stickers, the 1960s and early 1970s. We had a lot to say in those days, and we arrogantly used our car bumpers to make known every imaginable position, attitude, political agenda and thought—thinkable or unthinkable. The stickers of the early 60s—Click With Dick. We Saw Niagara Falls. Be Happy Go Rocky. LBJ For The USA—were moderate and somewhat to the right of those coming a decade later: Mary Poppins Is A Junkie. Suppose They Gave A War And Nobody Came. Question Authority. End The War. Eat The Rich.

And remember these relics:

• Draft Beer, Not Boys

• Ban The Bomb—Save The World For Conventional Warfare

• March Against Death

• Burn Pot, Not People

• Archie Bunker For President

• Tarzan And Jane Are Living In Sin

• Teddy In 72

Although not exactly an endangered species, there just aren’t as many bumper stickers today. And that seems strange since the little posters give ordinary Joe Smith a way to tell everyone who he is and what he thinks about the world. They also let righteous people gloat about being righteous people, and allow the other not-so-righteous folks infuriate the hell out of the righteous people by attaching an opposing view to their bumper.

One I do notice frequently is: My Child Is An Honor Student At KJHS. Generally, these are on minivans. Since this is home to two universities and a community college, the requisite rear-windshield sticker emblazoned with the college’s name is prevalent in sporty little compacts. On occasion I see college propaganda plastered in the back window of a sedate, dark-colored sedan. No doubt parents prompted by relief that their kid is gone from home and on a path eventually leading to a job and the ability to support himself.

Other bumper stickers I’ve noticed recently are: Liberal Arts Major: Will Think For Food. Rehab Is For Quitters. Hang Up And Drive. I especially appreciate the last one.

What seems to be missing from today’s car bumpers are one-liners focusing on government or political parties. Although I did see a red, white and blue Bush Cheated not long after the last Presidential election.

Nevertheless, there are still a few bumper stickers trying to imitate the irreverence of the old-time stickers:

• Your Village Called…They Want Their Idiot Back

• Auntie Em: Hate You. Hate Kansas. Took The Dog. – Dorothy

• Unless You’re A Hemorrhoid Get Off My Ass

• My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student

Still, the proliferation of social messages once glued to car bumpers seems to be missing from today’s expensive car bumpers. Maybe because we now have a proliferation of vanity license plates praising the driver or making a statement about the car’s owner.

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