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2003-09-30 - 6:46 a.m.

Tiny Big Word

It’s the biggest little word in our vocabulary.

If.

A trivial little two-letter word that can sometimes be anything but trivial. More often than not, if throws our mental engines in reverse and we backtrack along the dusty old paths of our lives questioning the decisions made and the roads taken—or not taken. A pointless and self-defeating journey into battle with an enemy we can’t conquer. Dangerous in its power to drag us back in time to confront things we can no longer control. Or mend. We can’t, today, change the things we did yesterday.

If I hadn’t…

If I had only…

If it wasn’t for…

If only…

I’ve been ambushed by the retrospective What if and made the journey into the past more than once. Each time I went down the road I was on a fool’s errand. It took me a while, but eventually I learned when I reversed my engines I was tilting at windmills and headed for a collision with self-doubt and self-pity. Maybe insight comes with age. Maybe I’m callous. Maybe I’m shielding myself by adopting a self-serving frame of mind. Maybe I’m guilty of living only in the now. Maybe I’m comatose.

Regardless of what I might be, I won’t waste time countermarching on a trip leading nowhere. Still, that doesn’t mean I don’t think about if. I think about it a lot.

If we get deep snow this winter reminiscent of those from my childhood, I’m going to have a sledding party. A bonfire, hot dogs, hot chocolate and marshmallows. Soggy mittens and cold toes.

If I could fly I’d take myself to the blue waters and sit on a sandy beach today.

If I get the opportunity I’m going to enjoy spending time at The Mexican Riviera.

If I had the ability to give any gift in the world, I would give the gift of happiness to my friends.

If I get all my outside chores completed this Saturday I’m going to celebrate with a ribeye, French fries and a bottle of White Merlot.

If I didn’t own a television it would make little difference in my life.

If I can remember to pick up the ingredients at the store this weekend, I’m making lasagna for diva and her mama.

If one door closes, another will open.

I like to think this is a more creative way to spend my day; it definitely keeps me from always looking over my shoulder.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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