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2004-01-02 - 11:27 a.m.

Enough of Reality!

Television has really become The Great American Wasteland! Or toxic wastes dump!

I don’t normally watch much television, but during my two-week hiatus from work, aka Escape From The Looney Bin, I thought I might take periodic breaks from my habitual routine of reading my way through a holiday vacation and amuse myself with the moving picture. I had tricked myself into thinking there might be some first-rate movies or network television programs to offer a few hours entertainment. First-rate appears to be my mistake, that classification no longer applies to movies or television programs.

Today’s networks, producers and writers are enamored by reality TV, and the viewing public is like hungry little birds with mouths wide open; we allow those stinking worms to be shoved down our throats. If some poor schmo is doing anything, networks are turning it into a theatrical performance, adding it to their program line-up and putting it out there as a weekly 60-minute production. And from the long—and growing—list of reality programs, the race is on to see which network can create the greatest number of absurd and worthless programs.

I’m certainly not an expert in the genealogy of reality TV, but I suspect The Survivor launched the craze for bizarre television. It sounded like self-seeking savagery to me, so I never watched any of The Survivor programs. And I’ve seen enough of the other reality program promos to know I’m not wasting my time watching those, either.

Take your pick and channel surf:

• Are You Hot?

• Boy Meets Boy

• Meet My Folks

• Miss Dog Beauty Pageant

• Punk’d

• Search For A Playboy Centerfold

• What Not To Wear

Two offerings on the expanding reality list do sound interesting. Cathouse and Love Shack hold the promise of being triple-X bordello enjoyment. The shows are probably hosted by a buxom Polly Adler impersonator, or maybe the Rodeo Drive Madam, Heidi Fleiss, has found a new career as a television personality. My money’s on Frederick’s of Hollywood as sponsor for the shows.

And what’s ABC thinking with The Chair? Are we going inside prison walls as part of the audience at an execution? And John McEnroe is going to be our host at the electrifying event?? Sweet Jesus!

I may have a yard sale and sell my television!

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