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2005-11-17 - 12:32 p.m.

BJ’s Bloopers and Blunders: Volume III

Segment 3

The Quiet Before The Storm

There’s no dodging a zealous duo of scam artists goaded and fueled by a slippery lawyer. It. Can’t. Be. Done!

Even though the plaintiff’s lawyer had called a halt to the proceedings in November 2004, both Ann and I knew we had not seen the end of the “Ain’t Got No Sex, Can’t Get No Satisfaction” civil suit. If we’d learned anything the past few years it was we were dealing with a couple of crackpots--albeit, celibate crackpots--and an unscrupulous lawyer. Despite speculation, we had no idea why they had dismissed the suit, but it was a certainty they’d be re-filing. We couldn’t fathom what they might include in their new claim. Another lesson learned: There are no boundaries when it comes to a couple of greedy crackpots. We both assumed the worst: Because I was on school time when I goosed Mrs. Sexless, they were coming back loaded for bear and were probably adding the school district as a defendant in the law suit.

Months before, following the deposition and the scumbag’s turn-on at the mention of the school district, I had gone--tail between my legs--to Central Office and explained my legal mess, timidly adding our fear the plaintiffs might finagle a way to also bring action against the district. An already litigation-shy administration took the news as well as can be expected; in the end, they, too, dismissed Mr. and Mrs. Sexless as nut cases and the civil action as preposterous.

Days and weeks and months later, in April 2005--two years after the original call from State Farm’s adjuster alerting me of a looming law suit and six years and eight months after the sex-slaying fender-bender--Ann called. The civil action was back on the books. Those people were dogs. They had a bone. And, by gawd, they were not going to let go!

Once again, Ann and I hunkered down and readied for combat. Ann stipulated--this go around--she would stand in for me and she was to be served the summons. Neither one of us wanted the sheriff coming into the school, brandishing his black baton and chasing after me. Undeniably, that sort of thing can be bad for business in the education world! We were also going for a change of venue. The case rested on medical claims and testimony; a large segment of Kirksville’s population is in some way related to the medical profession, and since part of our defense was to trash the competence and reputation of that community, we felt it best we take the boondoggle out of town. And, what the hell, we decided, let’s throw in a little inconvenience for the plaintiffs!

The summons was delivered--I was relieved to learn the crooks had either decided not to or were unable to find a scheme to involve the school district--and trial was set for August 3 and 4, 2005, in a small community east of here. The presiding judge (the district judge for this area had already excused himself from the case in 2003 as he’s a social acquaintance of mine) would come from another county.

Though my level of anger (not to mention anxiety) was skyrocketing, my attorney and I were confident the legal action was a slam dunk in our favor. It was an obvious and ludicrous fraud. We had our evidence, including a two-inch thick file of Mrs. Sexless’s medical records showing all complaints listed in the law suit were pre-exiting, starting in 1993. Clearly, in addition to being forced into an alleged celibate life by my actions, the woman was a hypochondriac. We could prove she’d received treatment for stress, depression and a host of other emotional maladies (caused, maybe, from not getting any or from hubby’s berating her because he wasn’t getting any?) starting in 1993. State Farm had already reimbursed her for ‘medically prescribed’ support brassieres for heavy breast mass. Don’t ask, I don’t have a clue why or how her large tatas became a part of this or how they were my fault or responsibility! She had received treatment on three different occasions in May and June 1998 (three months prior to the accident) for the exact shoulder, neck and spine afflictions listed in the legal complaint. We had a letter from the doctors at University of Missouri Medical School denying her treating physician a certificate--and deeming him incompetent--in spinal treatment, which was listed as his specialty. We had the woman’s testimony from deposition that she had immediately returned to her jobs (she taught step aerobics and drove a 72-passenger school bus). We had an erroneous police report showing extensive damage to the front, sides and even rear of my car. Not only was the law suit outlandishly ridiculous, it was a blatantly bogus swindle! A jury would quickly see through this scam and send the crackpots cowering back home. Without sex or a single penny!

Wouldn’t they?

… to be continued.

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