2004 Entries
2003 Entries
2002 Entries

2006-07-06 - 4:19 p.m.

Road Trips and Shenanigans

Yesterday a couple of Brew Crew members and I took a road trip. This wasn’t one of our get-lost-in-the-backwoods-hollers of Northeast Missouri short afternoon jaunts in search of wild flowers or exotic animals. No, we did a seven-hour round trip to Sedalia, home to both the Missouri state fair and Brew Crew Dixie’s district manager.

We made this trip because our little sprite Dixie needed to return a lot of work related materials to her district manager so she could move on to bigger and better things in the workplace. We saw this as an opportunity to spend some time with a very good friend who would soon be moving to Kansas City—and also a chance to create mischief! Some of our outings have become renown for monkey business, and a couple of people point blank asked: “What shenanigans are you guys going to get into on this trip? You won’t behave, none of you.”

We tried to behave.

We failed.

Not an hour after leaving Kirksville, Dixie was in a jam in the women’s restroom at a gas station and food court. I had been in there, too, but had finished my business and left to get a refill on coffee. The coffee pots were around the corner and a distance down the aisle from the restrooms, but I heard Dixie come out—screaming at me.

“Good gawd...there was a man in there with me! You see that?”

No, I had not seen that, nor did I believe her.

“Dammit, I’m not shittin you. He was in the stall you left. He left the door open, fer crissakes. Standing there whizzin. I walked outta my stall and went to the vanity to wash my hands and saw him in the mirror.”

I remained suspicious of her story.

“Gawdammit, get over here. Stand right here and watch that door to the women’s room.”

I did. And sure enough, out came a fella zippin up his fly!

We skedaddled outta there and continued on our way, passing through Brunswick—pecan capital of the state—where we saw the world’s largest pecan—a 12,000 pound cement nut. This is when teacher SueSue gave us a lesson on picking pecans. According to our expert, a net is spread under the trees and little monkeys go up into the trees and shake the nuts off.

I took a lot of ribbing about watching the speed limit, or “You’re driving like a gawdam old woman. Step on it, ya crazy b!t@h!” because of my recent accumulation of speeding tickets. Threatened with having to cart me around for the next year if I got another ticket and lost my driver’s license, they shut up.

About 30 minutes from our destination we all needed another stop. We passed several very nice gas stations, but Dixie—self-proclaimed world-traveler and authority of the area—told us there was a great stopping off place—just around the next bend. We rounded so many bends we were floating! Then we came to her recommended break stop: The World’s Largest Fireworks Stand. Questionable at best, but we were in no position to argue or go on in search of something better. On the up side, located next to the fireworks stand was Passions Adult Toys and Video store.

Hot damn!

We hurried through our business. We had a mission: That store would have the perfect gift for a friend who couldn’t come with us! But up close and personal, the place looked like a techno color pornographic Cape Fear. We beat it back to the car. Our friend wouldn’t get the perfect gift.

Once in Sedalia, we ate in an honest-to-gawd New Orleans crab and shrimp shack. We jostled the good ole boys and bubbas and Harley riders for a table and enjoyed a really great lunch. I ate frog legs and they were excellent. Brought back long-ago memories of when Dad and I would gig frogs and make Mom cook them for us.

Our lunch and business over, we headed home. Less then 20 miles later we wanted ice cream and chocolate, so we pulled into a convenience store. Dixie, who hates wearing a bra, had already shucked out of the hooter halter, so while she was still inside buying her candy, SueSue and I grabbed up the bra and tied it to my antennae. It was flapping in the wind for a while before Dixie realized what was going on.

We debated our return route. Should we head to the winery over the bluffs of the river at Rocheport? Um, probably not, too far from home for someone to come fetch us up. Maybe a detour through Boonville and the Isle of Capri. Not a good idea, either, we’d lose our money on the slots. We came back the way we went. And we looked for monkeys in the pecan trees.

An hour later we were stopped for a break again. I caught a really great dragon fly and threw it on Dixie. She freaked out and made me throw it away. SueSue thought it would be nice for her classroom, until we told her it would be belly-up dead by the time school started.

During our journey we went through Roanoke, Miami and Ohio! Not a bad day-trip!

Previous -- Next