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2006-08-08 - 3:59 p.m.

Hillbilly Hussies vs Big City Bimbos

There’s nothing new or novel about a woman on the prowl.

Throughout history the sun has gone down (or not) and the species Felinae Jezebel has emerged from her den to hunt a willing (or not) partner—or playmate. What is novel is a new name for a specific breed of pussy cat in heat.

Urban Cougar!

According to the Urban Dictionary, the Urban Cougar is “a sophisticated, older woman, typically early thirties to mid-forties, who has abandoned traditional rules of romantic engagement and taken as her mission the seduction of as many game young men as she can possibly handle. She avoids relationships in favor of the freedom of the hunt.”

Now, I didn’t say the breed was new; I merely said the name was unique. These old bimbos have been around for a long time preying on boy toys. We’ve had—and still have--names for them. I don’t have to repeat them here, you know what those monikers are! Around here we call them Hillbilly Hussies.

Also new—but not unexpected in this www(dot)com world—is a website dedicated to the old gal out pussyfooting around in search of hard bodies and giddy-up sex. UrbanCougar is “a celebration of the Urban Cougar lifestyle, the women who embody it, and the prey who love them for it!” Pay the site a visit; you’ll find tips on how to hunt, where to hunt, recent cougar sightings and classifieds.

Classifieds? You mean I can advertise?

Before I advertise myself and go off on this big game safari, there are a few things I’ll need. Yahoo offers a list of helpful items this cougar wannabe will need so the prey will recognize me as a ferocious hellcat looking to play, as opposed to a hot-to-trot old babe out on the make. Things like big hair, bling-tastic jewelry, Collagen Booster (for my Collagened lips), a Jezebel Coca Demi Push-Up Bra (why would I need that, why not go for some big old hooter implants?) and my martini set (Cantaloupe tini? No thank you!).

I don’t live in an urban area, but there is a place I could prowl and seek my pleasure from the just weaned: along fraternity row at the university. Back in the day, we also had names for the females who lurked and served at the frat houses. Trains and gang bangers come to mind. I can’t imagine what havoc some old babe with hair extensions, Collagened lips, bodacious ta tas and six layers of face paint might wreck when she entered those playpens!

I guess, since I don’t live in an urban area, and because I lack one very important quality of the Urban Cougar—sophistication—and I’m no longer 40-ish, I would be better off staying in my den watching old black and white movies on AMC or TMC. At least Humphrey Bogart, Cary Grant and Gregory Peck are out of diapers and off their binkies.

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