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2006-08-09 - 3:12 p.m.

The death of Customer Service

If a memorial service for English speaking Customer Service representatives in this country was held sometime in the last few years I sure as hell didn’t get an invitation. I missed the whole damn send off and continue to call those offices hoping for a quick resolution to my problems.

What I get is added frustration. Is there anyone anywhere in a Customer Service department these days who speaks English? If so, kindly send me the company’s name and phone number, because all I get are foreign speaking representatives—and I can’t understand a damned word they’re saying to me. Most ‘customer relationship’ (yep, new buzzword) representatives I’ve talked with recently sound Pakistani, Indian or maybe Hispanic. It doesn’t matter. I don’t know what they’re saying to me.

Corporate America likes to market itself as being people friendly and having well-trained, competent customer service (oops, relationship) reps. What company doesn’t give us some such bullshit as: “From the first day, you'll be assigned a customer relationship representative whose only job is to make you satisfied with our service. Your rep will be a watchdog making sure the problem-solving process is going smoothly. If there's any problem or delay in service to you, you'll be notified promptly by your customer service rep. Every member of our customer service team has a sales or customer service background and they've received specialized training to make them even better.”

All my watchdogs have failed in one vital area of training: they can’t speak English!

A month ago I got notice from Dish Network that the credit card I’m using for their service would expire August 31st. My new card was issued and I obediently called Dish Network to update my information. Of course, I got the automated system (another hair-pulling frustration), but I went through the process of punching numbers and the pound key and entered my information. And thought all was taken care of.

It wasn’t.

Last night I got a computer-generated call from Dish Network again telling me about the soon-to-expire credit card. I was given a phone number to call to take care of the problem. I called the number and was greeted by the company’s fancy, and somewhat lengthy, “Welcome to Dish Network, better television, blah, blah, blah” auto pickup message. And that’s the last thing I understood during my phone conversation with my customer relationship rep.

Twice I told him, “I can’t understand you,” and twice he continued on at break neck speed. At one point I heard something that very vaguely sounded like “credit card.” Assuming he just might be asking for my card number, I read it off to him. He responded, but I have no earthly idea what he said. I asked him to repeat himself and I think he did. I don’t know. I couldn’t understand him. When he finally stopped talking I could only guess that my business was done, so I told him I had provided the information the company was requesting, I would not pay a late fee nor did I want my service shut off. Then I hung up.

A few months ago I had to make contact with another customer service department and also got a rep with a thick foreign accent. That incident involved a very long—mostly punctuated with numerous “huhs?” from me--and angry conversation, and I finally demanded that an English speaking rep be put on the phone. After an extended wait, accompanied by repetitive audio sales pitches for the company’s products, a lady who sounded like English was her first language came on the line. Her first comment was: “Nusrat Fateh has been patiently working with you.”

Wrong.Thing.To.Say!

I won’t say I tried to be polite. I wasn’t even civil!

Least someone misunderstand, I’m not an elitist American, and I’m certainly not a White Supremacist. I’m not anti-anyone, and I don’t have a problem with people from other countries living in America. We are—and have been—the melting pot. That’s what makes us the culturally diverse and interesting country of people that we are.

But, gawdammit, when I call for a customer relationship representative in America, is it too damned much to ask to talk to someone who speaks English?

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