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2006-08-17 - 3:54 p.m.

Who rolled away the rock?

There are some real doozies living in this world!

In my business—education—I often encounter folks who make me wonder just who the hell rolled away the rock and let these crackpots escape. Yesterday was one of those days. A mother-daughter duo came to my office to inquire about classes and scheduling for this school year. It was apparent from the get-go these two were playing with a 49-card deck. Many times during these meetings—or collisions--my first thought is: Who are these people? Not so this time. I recognized mama. Mama—who will henceforth be known as LuLa Bell-- had been two years behind me in high school, and she wasn’t playing with a full deck then, either! I do, however, recall her having teeth in high school; she’d since lost them all.

The daughter was there to find out how she could change her schedule and get in the “babysitting” class. I assumed she was referring to our Child Care program, a nationally recognized, two-year CDA (Child Development Associate) course. The curriculum is rigorous, tied in to college articulation, and--because those trained are working with small children during and after successful graduation--the selection process is restrictive. I further assumed this girl might have made application last spring and been denied acceptance based on the program criteria. I explained the program was full and closed to enrollment. I should have let it go at that!

ME: “What are your career plans after high school?”
LULA BELL: “Ya mean like a job or sumthin?”
ME: “Yes.” To the daughter: “What kind of job do you want after you graduate from school?”
DAUGHTER: “Either babysittin or a sheep farmer.”
Random brain fart: Well, now, there’s some similarity in those careers!
ME: “I could add a class from our ag department to your schedule. We have classes still open in that area. Sixth hour we have a livestock production course that would be related to your interests.”
LULA BELL: “She gonna hafta be ‘round cows? I don’t like cows! I don’t want her messin with no cows. She likes sheeps. They okay.”
Ohhhhhhhhhh boy!
ME: “No, we don’t actually have animals in the classrooms. Students who do hands on with animals usually have their own livestock at home.”
LULA BELL: “Okay then, that’s what she’s goin do. She’ll larn ‘bout sheep farmin.”
Holy keee-rist!

I made the necessary schedule change and told the pair they needed to go back to her sending high school and have the amended schedule entered in their computer data base.
Ah, shit.

ME: “You need to go over to your high school and have them write down what I put on your paper.”
DAUGHTER: “That (pointing south down the hall) high school?”
ME: “Yeah. That one.”
LULA BELL: “Ya go on off and take care a that. I gotta talk to the lady, be over there in a minute.”

The girl went off to the high school—or at least she left in that direction—with mama peeking around my door a couple of times to see what she was doing or where she was; I guessed she was making sure the kid was a safe distance away so she wouldn’t be privy to whatever mama wanted to talk about. I was--by this time—more than a little apprehensive about what mama was going to talk about.

LULA BELL: “I want that girl in that baby class next year ifin you can help us out. Her older sister got knocked up four times, her damn brother knocked up all his girlfriends and both a them got them kids took away by DFS (Department of Family Services). When this un gets knocked up I don’t want her baby took away from her!”

It was then I remembered the older siblings, and also remembered the speculation that older brother was the father to at least one of older sister’s children.
Help me, Jaysus!

ME: “I understand.”
LULA BELL: “And I want her trained to work. I ain’t never worked and been on the welfare all my life. I got knocked up three times, and the first two sonabitches took off and didn’t help me with them kids. After the second time I figured it out. Third time, with her old man, I says by gawd you’re gonna stay around and help me raise the fuckin kid or I’ll just go to the horspital and have the gawdam baby cut out!”

Lord, grant me patience. I need a stiff drink!

ME: “I understand. When you get home mark on your calendar during the first week of March to call the school and ask about enrollment information and applications. Then call your daughter’s high school.”

Oh, please, call her high school!

LULA BELL: “Yes ma’am. That’s what I’ll do. We gotta larn her how to take care of the kid when she gets knocked up.”

And off mama went, also in the general direction of the high school, short shorts hiked up and buried deep in her butt crack.

I’m waiting for the day mama and daughter arrive in the sheep farmin class. We have two new ag instructors, young little guys, green behind the ears. Those po po devils, are they in for an awakening!

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