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2006-08-25 - 12:28 p.m.

Phony science

Is there another big-dollar government-funded scientific scam underway?

Absolutely!

When there’s $3 billion dollars doled out annually for government-supported research, there’s never going be a shortage of outlandish studies. At least the news byte I heard on the radio yesterday detailing a new theory worthy of investigation is an absurdity coming from our pals in Britain. I wonder just how much it will cost to study the dialects of dairy cows, and if the knowledge gleaned from the study will justify the expense? How much should be spent finding out if a dairy cow’s moo is a replication of its owner’s regional dialect?

I have no idea if the British government will actually fund such a ridiculous endeavor, but I have little doubt our government would be supportive and shovel cash into the research. We like to waste our money on bogus science, especially bogus science that makes little difference in our day-to-day lives. Apparently, accountability is not particularly high on the criteria list for government-funded studies. You would think intellectual merit and the broader impact of the study should be considered before squandering hundreds of millions of dollars on the mechanics of the interaction between flour and sugar.

The more bizarre and insignificant the study, the more our government—through the National Science Foundation--seems to like to funnel money into the project. Thirty-two thousand dollars to discover why a certain type of prepositional phrase is rare in Latin is a small drop in the dumb-dumb bucket! And there might be some significance—or some importance in future years—in knowing if there’s water on Mars, but it seems insignificant to conduct research to determine if yards in “upscale,” higher-income neighborhoods are likely to display a more highly diverse mix of plants than yards in lower income areas. Duh! How many thousands of dollars did that take? A drive through a higher-income neighborhood and a subsequent drive through the poor section of town pretty much proves that hypothesis. And, besides, who the hell cares? I fail to see the social impact of a Jatropha integerrima as opposed to a geranium. But, I fail to see the social impact of much of what goes on today: not only wasted money, but a lot of time misspent on inconsequential undertakings.

Yes, you and I paid for studies designed to feed infants alcohol to see whether their sleep and activity levels are affected, or research that proves—yes—there are dog and cat allergens in almost all of our homes—especially those homes where cats and dogs live. That is essential information; I know my dogs and cats are impressed as hell to know there are allergens in the dust in their home! And the quality of my life has improved greatly knowing a baby will most likely behave differently if you get it drunk!

It’s Friday, and tonight I’m going to do some research. I’m going to test the beneficial effects of a six-pack on the stresses relating to work. I wonder if the National Science Foundation will pick up my bar tab?

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