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2006-11-13 - 1:19 p.m.

(More) Hotel Bloopers and Blunders

diva and I did it again: we landed in hotel hell!

There are various levels of hotel hell, and we’ve spent a night or two at each level, including the gritty and nasty bottom level. Although, it’s hard to determine which of our stays ranks as the number one black hole--our night in St. Louis with a pool full of rubbish and homeless sleeping under our car in the parking garage or the night we watched the hos work the truckers in our digs in Springfield.

Every November, diva and I attend a four-day “Lighting The Path To Student Success” conference. The conference is held at Lake of the Ozarks at the Marriott Tan-Tara Resort, a sprawling conglomerate that is not gliding into old age gracefully. If you remember, last year diva and I were in an Estates cabin undergoing construction renovations during the day (overtime on Saturday and Sunday!) and had engineering (the maintenance man) in our cabin until after 1 a.m. trying to fix a door that wouldn’t lock. Enough. Next time we would stay elsewhere and make the short, daily drive into Tan-Tara for meetings.

We had noticed a nice condo-like hotel up on the main highway. Centrally located. Lakeside. Perfect. In September I called Inn At Grand Glaize and booked a double room. We left for the conference last weekend, smug and assured we had one-upped the Hotel Demon.

The Hotel Demon lay in wait for us at the door of The Inn! We noticed the hotel’s welcoming sign for the Missouri Quilters Association, but didn’t give it much thought until we boarded the elevator with several matronly ladies and their sewing machines. Our cooler suddenly seemed conspicuous and out of place.

We made a quick exit from the elevator and beat tracks to our room, drew back the curtains and were thrilled with our view of a mountain of discarded junk and a mangled tennis court. Ah well, close the curtain, it was raining anyway. When I first saw the rust-speckled sink I was sure someone had barfed in our bathroom.

We went off and did our thing, had an early dinner and made it an early evening. We rented The Devil Wore Prada—jacking up the sound when the quilters hit the hallway at 10:00. They might have been matronly, but they were a chatty bunch! By 11:00 we were both snoring. By 2:00 a.m. the bars had closed and a man and two women in the room next to us brought the bar party home. All that was said in the room was loud and clear through the paper thin walls. At 2:30, when it became apparent diva and I had a front row seat at a ménage a trios, I called the front desk and filed a noise complaint! Of course, we heard everything anyway!

We didn’t sleep long. Very early the next morning we were awakened by banging on the door and an announcement: “Housekeeping!”

Sweet Jesus!

Sunday morning diva made her dissatisfaction with the “skimpy-assed” towels known! I saw the towels as a good match for the “skimpy-assed” shower! I had to close my eyes when using the sink!

It was Sunday evening and following several return trips to our hotel when we realized our original mistake. The Inn at Grand Glaize sign was towering over the very pretty little hotel up closer to the road. That hotel, the hotel we thought we had booked, was The Hawk’s Nest! Our stuff was scattered all over the room, and our laziness got the best of us. We’d stay put and make the best of it.

Sunday evening was quiet (I think we were the only guests in the hotel), but again, early on Monday morning, we were awakened by a banging on the door and the loud: “HOUSEKEEPING!”

I leaped from the bed and shouted: “For crissake, what the hell do you want?”

To which housekeeping answered: “You’re checked out!”

“No,” I screamed. “We’re SLEEPING.”

Before we left the hotel that morning I stopped at the main desk and got us re-checked in to the hotel.

When we finally did check out early Tuesday morning, we found our bill had been inflated by several dollars. At least the desk gal that morning was nice—and obviously honest! She credited my account and took the extra bucks off my credit card.

Well, I hope she did!!

Next year we’ll try The Hawks’ Nest, and it’ll probably have birds in the belfry!

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